the years are short, and the days are too
Her hand wraps effortlessly around my finger and it is like a thousand upon a thousand hugs. Her head smells sweeter than the sweetest flower in the greenest meadow and so I make my way back there a hundred times a day before it fades, for I know it will.
My fate is sealed when she smiles, struggling at first to contort her face, and then erasing every memory of pain or exhaustion or to-dos undone from the last six weeks with that grin made of sheer gold. And then I watch her Daddy and brothers and sister watch her and I am utterly undone.
That she is here, in our care, as one of four, is beyond any notions I could have ever conceived of, planned for, or made happen. Motherhood and new babies makes me want to declare that this never gets old, I can’t believe it actually works – you know, that the kicking babe in my belly is now here in my arms. But mostly, motherhood is beyond my control and it has changed me.
I used to believe that saying “The days are long but the years are short.” It rang in my head like a bell all day long with our first two babes. Those were long days of them not doing precisely what I thought they should do, and me not getting done what I thought I should be doing.
I had an agenda, you see, and even though it came in the form of meals and dishes and tidying up most of the time, it wasn’t all that it could be perceived as. One might think it looked like I was trying to do those things to serve my family, but my heart was not there. It was not out of charity, as we have been learning, that I was doing my duties.
Instead, my heart was in trying to be that mom on the internet who had the baby, washed all the dishes, did craft projects, and made three course meals. My heart was in having expectations that my life before motherhood could exist after. My heart was in “I need to do these things for my own sanity.”
And in trying to change those things that cannot be changed, to undo things that cannot be undone, I drove myself (and probably those around me) crazy. Ironic, no? I was not doing those things out of love for my family, but primarily out of my own desire for control over something when everything in me and around me seemed to be spinning out of control.
Motherhood was changing everything and I was not ready to let go of every part of everything.
So now, here we are. That first babe throws his long, skinny arms around my waist and declares that my belly is much smaller now that he has met his sister. That second babe speaks sweetly to his baby sisters when he’s not shoveling mulch or feeding chickens. I remember when it was him who kept me up at night, him who spent his days in the swaddle.
And these two girls fill the days with diaper changes and feedings and crazy toddler antics. I look at the clock and it’s 8 a.m. and we’re trying to get the baby fed along with everyone else. I blink and it’s 5 p.m., I need to start supper, and I’ve spent the last nine hours doing what?
Keeping up with the funniest of toddlers, feeding the hollow-legged mulch shovelers, rocking and sniffing our sweet little Ruthie. And then we make it through the fussy hours and it’s ni-nights and blankies and before I know it, it’s 8 a.m. and the breakfast bell rings all over again.
I imagine there could come a day, Lord willing, that my arms will be empty, these boys will outgrow me, and these girls will stand beside me. I imagine that I will remember these days then as I do now – fleeting, challenging, precious, and gone all too soon.
Beautiful. Thank you for the reminder.
Shannon,
Our worlds are many, many leagues apart, separated by age and life situation; however, your words speak to me. You write with beauty and grace, about subjects that can, in the hands of a lesser talent, turn precious and trite. Thank you for the gift.
Ouida Lampert
@Ouida Lampert, Ouida, you worded this beautifully. I second this!
God bless, Shannon. xo
What a wonderful post! Reminds me to thank for my daily blessings. Thank you, your post made me cry 🙂
Be encouraged. Yes, this is a season of everything blurring and days changing you, and a test of your will — will you allow relationship to triumph over agendas (even simple ones like one-pot meals being on time)? As a mom of soon-to-be 8, I can tell you those were some of my hardest days so far — all littles, no one trained yet to help much. But I would encourage you that — as I found hard to believe at your stage — an older and wiser dad of many more children told us it was easier to have 11 than 5. He was right. I now have older children who can run the household in my absence (my oldest is 15) — perhaps not perfectly, but adequately. As I prepare to give birth in the next couple weeks, I now find it possible to get more rest than I ever could earlier. The prioritizing relationship and training in household tasks (my oldest four are boys) is now reaping fruit, as it will for you, too. (I’ve always believed men should be up to adequately perform household tasks because they never know when their wife might be ill, etc., and they have to step in.)
Courage. This blur of days and time of refining is a blessed time, too, and it also will pass (in years, more than days, however). Excellent practice for learning what the absolute bare essentials are, and then learning to be flexible even with those. And learning how to model patience… again… and again… and trying again. Yeah. I know. That refining hasn’t ended for me, either. 🙂
Very sweet. Thank you.
Agreed, I remember over the years saying those very things. I tried my best to cherish and laugh every moment, to hold them and pour love into them…I have 4 boys and I knew that it was our job to make them strong good men…. and I still wasn’t read when the last bird flew the nest….. I long for those sweet baby moments again!
Beautifully put, Shannon. COngratulations on a sweet baby. Ruth is just perfect!
I just discovered your blog last week and I am slowly reading trough it. I wanted to say thank you for your lovely writing about sometimes not ‘so lovely’ things/feelings/trades we tend to hide, it makes me feel like not being alone in these everydays battles and to see and apreciate all the blessings we have. And special thanks for this post which cought my heart. I have 3 children and yes, the 1st one was the ‘finding the way’ or ‘being perfect mum by the book’. It is hard as society puts loads of preassure on us with its ‘we know best and you are only new mum’ approach. At the same time the wide family and close community is broken so most of the times we are truly alone in it and internet might seem as the only place to turn. Thank you for wording it so beautifuly. And good luck on your journey.
Hi Jitka,
Thank you for your kind words. Yes, the journey is messy but it is beautiful and fruitful. Thank you for reading!